Teenstyle With Carla (S1E1)

Carla first appeared alongside RadioGuy in Season One. She lasted all of one episode but ever since I’ve been a supporter of her character. After much pressure from a couple of Carla diehards out there she’s now got her own piece on the RadioGuy News Network. ‘teenstyle’ is aimed at teenage girls 14-17. Enjoy.

AUDIO VERSION AVAILABLE AT 5:45PM!

Hey there girlies, welcome to the first episode of Teenstyle, airing every Tuesday at 5:45, 24hours before Radio Cunt. Eat shit and die, how do you like the second’s slot fuckface. Today we’re going to jump in with a really serious topic. Teenage life is like a minefield, or like trying to find anything good to wear in Glassons. For every obstacle that you manage to get past, or rack of last seasons tee’s that you manage to avoid, another problem seems to just pop up right in front of you like some bitch ass sales-whore with a godawful off-cream bra. This is especially so when a lot of girls come to dealing with their weight.

Lots of ‘experts’ will tell you that ‘maintaining a healthy diet’ is the key to keeping a healthy body shape and feeling good about yourself. Well, while you’re all stuffing your fat little faces with your cream doughnuts and Cheeseburger combo’s, just remember that for every bite that you take, two will end up on your thighs. Two cream doughnuts, two Cheeseburgers, two packets of fries, all wobbling around like someone’s stapled a water balloon full of sour cream to your hips. And soon it wont just be your hips, you’ll be covered in a big lardy blanket so bulbous that you’ll have to be wheeled around in a chair and have to get special permission to go over weak foot-bridges. And do you know how many teenage boys are going to want to break the V gate with little miss lard hips? Not one pubescent fuckface will go anywhere near your’e sweaty rolls. They’ll all go root the skinny girls and you’ll die a fat virgin with no-one to love you.

The key to being skinny and getting laid is to calorie count, and when you go over, Vom’ all of it out again. Remember Carla’s three tips to getting to Size zero.

  1. Whenever you feel hungry, just drink a litre of water. The extra weight might throw off the scales but you’re body will have such a hard time replenishing all of the nutrients in you system after you’ve flushed them all out that It will think twice before sending you those hunger pangs again.
  2. Gum is a girls best friend. The chewing will fool your body into thinking you’re eating. Just don’t swallow it or you’ll balloon out like a Fatty Mc-fat-fat.
  3. Just because you ‘Vom right after eating, doesn’t mean it all comes back out. Some fries might linger in your stomach, and can only be removed by really pushing hard. If you don’t feel faint and taste blood in you’r mouth, you just aren’t trying hard enough.

Just remember ladies, individualism is a sin. Skinny or Dead, which would YOU prefer.