RadioGuy (S2E2)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ll ask for your applause before I begin.

It is my sad and very sombre duty to read out the list of bitches that have gone under this week. A Ms Izzy Clark was found brutally killed, strung up by her left foot from the roof, slashed repeatedly with a machete from head to toe with her eyes hanging out of her sockets. Police are not treating the death as suspicious, as she was widely recognised as a crazy spoon wench. A Mr Sam Bennett has been reported missing, presumed dead after he did not show up for school on Monday morning. Staff said that it was out of character to not turn up bright and early on campus. Mrs Tania Williams, attendance officer of Nelson College and part time charity worker was found dead on the property of an elderly woman’s home, where she was delivering meals on wheels during her spare time. Police reports indicate that she interrupted the woman’s home being robbed, and during her attempt to disarm the intruder she was stabbed in the face. If only her heart had been a little smaller, and she hadn’t cared about others so much, she might just have survived. A Miss Abbie Moore was found brutally slaughtered in a public toilet by University staff late last week. Police declined to comment but sources inside the University said “that’s what the slag gets for playing ‘touch the penis’ with someone else’s boyfriend.” Finally, an woman, name unknown, was found deceased in the Brumbies building on Hardy street in the early hours of this morning. The Police have yet to release a report but Manager Kate Sheldon said that the intruder had appeared to have died after consuming all of the French Bread sticks in the building, in a desperate attempt to fool herself into thinking she was back in France.

Schools from around the region would now like me to read out a lengthy list of School notices, including some tripe about ‘Diversity Week.’ I will not, however, because the most diverse thing I will tolerate is the black pair of socks in my wardrobe and they only ever get worn when there is absolutely nothing else available to me.

National News: TVNZ has announced it’s plans to bring ‘The Apprentice’ to New Zealand, giving a group of Kiwi Entrepreneurs the chance to learn from a famous wealthy New Zealand businessman, with the winner taking their right hand side as apprentice. The show has, however met setbacks as they have been unable to find a New Zealand businessman with any wealth, as most of them have had all of their money taxed to high hell by the Government or have run so far from Inland Revenue to prevent that from happening that they are unable to return to New Zealand, with the Exception of John Key, but they dont put Homos on television.

International News: Following a series of Earthquakes in the Pacific rim, causing death in destruction to many island nations, God has been facing ongoing criticism of the construction of the area. A spokesperson for the almighty Lord said today that while they accept some of the blame for the faltering construction, full liability lies with the occupants for not taking enough care of their tectonic plates. These claims have been met with strong feelings by those in the worst hit areas, citing the fact that the lord is more than happy to arrive unannounced to inspect the island nations, but seems unable or unwilling to maintain them. Tuila’epa Sailele Malielegaoi, Prime Minister of Samoa, one of the worst hit by the recent Earthquakes, said today in a press release that if conditions did not improve, “…the people of Samoa will be looking to cancel their tenancy agreement and move out before it expires in December 2012…”

Weather Report:
Nelson - Small chance of Sun, just for one afternoon to make you think that Summer is coming, and then rain for five days straight.
Stoke - Cloudy and Grey, with a cold harsh wind, tossing the bodies of Stoke’s frail elderly into trees and in front of Traffic. Go to Stoke and sit in your car for lolz.
Richmond - A plague of Locusts will infest the Mall. No biggie.

Report a death for the Obituaries here.